Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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