scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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