I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
