My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
