I think I am morally bankrupt
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
