my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Enjoy the penises
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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