it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
