I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
