i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
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