I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
