How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
