Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
