I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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