so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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