Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i dont even know how to be here
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
