I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
