i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
