the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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