Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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