Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
