when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
