mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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