If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
