mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
