my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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