it was like eating out sand paper
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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