FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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