I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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