If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
