he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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