My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
