I want to make a zoo with you.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
