I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
