he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
