I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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