So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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