Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
