Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
