i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
