Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
