not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
