Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
