Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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