So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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