Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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