And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
