On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
