I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize