I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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