TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Randomize
