you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
