I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
