I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
