So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
