One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
