She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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