I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
