the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
