I feel great
I just peed on a car
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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