Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
