FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize