I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
