We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I would ride that face into the sunset
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
